Les

Ha! Ikakasal na ako next year! Excited ako at kinakabanhan at the same time. Imagine…ikakasal na ako! Isusumpa ko ang sarili ko sa 1 lalake lang! Di naman dahil ako ay perenially unfaithfull kay Mike or I see myself like that in the future. Pero may mga pangako kayo na walang hanggan (hmm.. parang soap opera) sa isa’t-isa. At ung pagsasama nyo e sagrado at pang-habang buhay. Di naman mahirap para sa akin maging loyal kay Mike…at may tiwala naman ako sa kanya, pero the fact na magiging asawa ko sya sa harap ng halos 100 tao sa simbahan  scares the sh-t out of me! Pwede bang magtanan..? Actually, hindi. Dahil minsan lang namin gagawin ito sa buhya naman at syempre gusto namin andun lahat mga kapamilya at kaibigan namin-kahit na alam naming kakabahan kami pareho sa araw na un! So, that is that!

Dahil pareho nga kaming wala sa ‘pinas e wala kaming ma-finalize sa kasal namin. Except for the wedding date at ung simbahan, wala pa kaming nagagawa at wala pa kaming mga contracts na napirmahan. Nag-set kami ng budget at andami ko nang na-planong gusto ko gawin sa kasal until umuwi ako last year ng November…

It turns out na half pa lang ng budget naming 2 na nilaan namin e mapupunta sa reception. Understandable,  dahil un ang major expense sa kasal. 

"Conyo"- Cuban Spanish for "shit"

Life sucks, alam nyo ba un? Tahimik lang ako pero ung utak ko sumisigaw na nang,    "Di ko na ito kaya!!!!!!!!!". Gusto ko na mag-quit ng trabaho ko- alam ko kung ano ang gusto kong gawin, maging writer-pero ung other side ng utak ko e "kailangan mo ng pera, kailangan mo ng stability, kailangan mo mag-ipon…" One time naiiyak na ako kung bakit ganito ako ka-miserable sa trabaho ko. Ang aga mo gigising, ung mga patiente mo na ang kukulit umaga pa lang, panay ang reklamo, gusto ko na sigawan, "HINDI ITO HOTEL NA MAY DAY-SPA!!! KAILANGAN MO PALIGUAN ANG SARILI MO KUNG KAYA MO, OKAY??!!!" o kaya " SUCK IT UP!!!". Tapos sasabihin sayo ng mga patients minsan, "Filipino nurses are so good!!!" o kaya "If you’re a nurse, you love taking care of people." NgumIngiti na lang ako dahil ayaw ko naman maging bastos pero gusto ko na sabihin, "Yeah, right!! I’m only here for the money".  Yes, I hate my job!! I wish I have a devil-may-care attitude at ibigay ko na ang 2 weeks notice ko sa boss ko- gusto ko na talaga umalis sa medical field! Sukang -suka na ako sa hospital! Sa mga patient at kamag-anak na walang common sense!!

Bibigyan ko ang sarili ko ng 2 years, after nun, aalis na ako ng nursing FOREVER!! May kailangan lang akong gawin bago ako mag-career change. Although 2 years IS a long time…      

One of the things that suck in my job ay mga taong walang common sense. Akalain mo ba namang tatawagin ka pa nila para linisan/ paliguan ung kamag-anak nilang patient mo e 2 o 3 silang tao na nandun tapos ang dahilan nila e di daw nila alam kung pano!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God…!! Maha-high blood ka talaga! Tapos ung mga patients naman e completely capable silang paliguan ang sarili nila e higit pa sa hotel service ang gusto nila-at gusto nila e priority mo pa sila e least naman ng priorities mo ung demand nila! Kakainis pa kapag asa gitna ka ng pagbibigay ng gamot e dun ka nila aabalahin!

Lalo na kahapon sa trabaho. Un na ata ang best example ng deficiency ng common sense ng mga tao dito. Ung kamag-anak ng patient ko pumunta sa nurse’s station hanap ako dahil kailangan daw ng IV check. Punta naman ako dahil baka infiltrated ung IV site dahil kung ganun e kailangang tanggalin ung IV at palitan. Pag pasok ko sa kwarto, di naman pala ung IV site sa kamay ng patient ang problem kundi may sugat lang sya na maliit pero dumudugo at tumutulo na sa kamay ng patient papunta sa puting-puti nyang kumot. AT 3 SILANG KAMAG-ANAK NA NANONOOD NA DUMUGO UNG KAMAY! E andami namang tissue o towel dun sa kwarto wala man lang nakaisip na mag-apply ng pressure over the wound! Parang instinct na rin un, hindi ba? Kapag may sugat ka at may dugo, lalagyan mo ng pressure para ma-stop ung flow ng blood-nasa hospital ka man o hindi! Diyos ko.. Ano ba yan..???!!!   

May bago akong lalakeng katrabaho sa hospital ngayon. Tatawagin ko na lang syang Eli at one time e nakasama ko sya for the whole day sa teleroom kung saan andun ung mga heart monitors( lam nyo ba ung funny green lines sa computer sa mga hospital na nakikita nyo sa sine? un na un..). Anyway, 3 kami sa teleroom. Ung isang kasama namin e nagutom na kaya nag-break muna sya kaya kami lang ni Eli ang naiwan para mag-monitor ng mga patients sa computer screen.

Sooooo, nung una tinanong nya kung nakapunta na daw ba ako sa Cuban funeral? Sabi ko hindi pa kaya naman na-curious ako at nagmagandang loob na tanungin kung ano naman ang kaibahan dahil obvious naman na gusto nyang ikwento. Sabi nya, (in English)  "Hay, naku! Parang hindi libing! Parang party! Nung namatay nga ung lola ko e ang saya nilang lahat! Tapos ung mga kamag-anak namin na di ko na matandaan e nagpunta lang para makita ako!! Tapos panay ang kainan! Ang attitude kasi namin e tapos na yan. Namatay na sya at nagpahinga kaya kumain na tayo." Okay, fine…

Then, eto na! For 20 minutes e naikwento na nya ang lahat ng problem ng tatay nya-na nakulong daw sa Cuba, na mula pagkabata e ayaw na sa kanya ng ate nya kasi mas paborito daw si Eli sa kanilang 2, na nagbubugbugan daw sila ng ate nya nun, na di maganda ang ugali ng ate nya kasi nung birthday daw ng taty nila e t-shirt lang ang regalo ng ate nya sa tatay nila e anlaki daw ng kinikita nya at kinumpara pa nya ang regalo nya na Citizen Watch. Talagang masama ang loob nya sa ate nya kasi na-kwento pa nya na kung pupunta daw dito sa Miami ung ate nya e di man lang magsasabi until 2 days na mula nang dumating. At dahil nga namatay ang lola nila e ipinamana sa kanilang magkapatid ung bahay ng lola nila- at ung ate daw nya e gustong ipagtinda ung bahay at idinagdag pa nya, " Mukha talagang pera un." And he ended his story with " Yan ang ate ko."

Di na nga ako makapag-salita dahil sa gulat ko dahil nakwento na nya ang buong pamilya nya sa akin. All of these in under 20 minutes! Gusto ko sabihin, "Dude, I don’t really need to that much.." At un ang 1st day ever na nakita ko sya dun sa hospital- at alam ko na kung ano ang pamilya nya!

Kung sa bagay, iba kasi ang kultura nila sa atin. Sa atin kasing mga Pinoy, aabutin pa tayo ng buwan bago natin maimbitahan ung tao sa bahay natin o kaya masabi man lang ang mga very intimate facts tungkol sa family nyo. Dito, Cuban man o American, madami sa kanila ang very open (gaya ni Eli) at kahit na 1st ka lang nila nakasama e mahilig sila magkwento ng buhay nila. Na- turn off ako actually kasi nakakatawa sya pero masyado sya madaldal-to talk about your family to other people who you just met says a lot about them, don’t you think? Bakit mo naman sasabihin sa ibang tao ang sira ng pamilya nyo? Feeling ko habang nagkwekwento sya e para akong nasa retreat o recollection! I don’t know if he wanted me to share anything about myself at that moment but I can tell that he didn’t succeed! Kaya ever since that day, kapag nakikita ko sya, I can’t help but thinking kung kumusta na kaya ung ate nya..?    

Today, a Sunday morning, is perfect… Purrrfect… Here I am, solo ko ang bahay, drinking my morning coffee, malamig kasi we’re still in the middle of winter, and I say to myself "This is bliss..! It sure is..". This is my kind of day. Waking up in the morning, ako lang mag-isa, no one to bother me. I like peace & quiet when I’m at home. Some people feel the compulsion to be nice & initiate conversation with others they hardly know-I feel the same way kaya minsan ayaw ko umaattend ng mga parties because I know I would be terribly rude not to say anything at all to a new acquaintance at gusto ko lang sabihin e "Alam mo, di naman natin kailangan mag-usap." I don’t like having company sometimes. I can even imagine myself going to  another country by myself-and I plan to, actually. Not right now, though. First things first. In my experience, I have travelled twice by myself to & fro the US, I like the feeling of being on my toes, on being the alert. I realized na mas observant ako pag ako lang mag-isa. Whereas kung may kasama ako, I don’t pay that much attention to my surroundings ’cause I’m too busy talking. Traveling with someone has it’s pros& cons. You have someone to share memories with. But traveling alone does have it’s excitement for me because you have to try things out of your comfort zone, observe & marvel at things with no one to disturb your train of thoughts. Honestly, I want to learn how to talk to other people. I know, I’m contradicting myself dahil sa sinabi ko kanina about my behavior at parties but one of the things I really want to have is to have the gift of easy conversation. No, no! Not being tsismosa! But to be able to reply to something with wit & cleverness. I could say that I wish I would know what to say, most of the time, at least. In English, a "rejoinder".

About the part of traveling alone, gusto ko sana mag-punta in any country in Europe or maybe kahit sa anong city lang dito sa States. To be on the safe side, since it would be my first time to travel alone, mabuti na muna kung pupunta ako sa lugar kung saan nagsasalita sila ng English. I’m thinking of going to San Francisco, then visit a friend in Santa Monica. Maybe next year pupunta ako. You know, there are just some things you need to experience alone!

May sipon ako ngayon-brought on by me allergy to-I don’t know…Actually, matagal na akong ganito. Di ko alam kung saan ako allergic: to pollens, to dust, to perfume. Who knows? Ang temperature kasi namin today dito sa Miami e mid-70s, warm na un by Miami standards kasi nga winter na. In the next few days aabot na kami sa 50s-which would be FREEZING COLD!!! Combined with rain! Anyway, malamig pagkagising ko kaninang umaga at after 2 hours ay tapos na maglaba ang nanay ko kaya kinuha ko sa dryer ung mga damit at dun na nagsimula ang aking sneezing fit. Kala ko mawawala after ko maligo pero hindi! Uminom ako ng Sudafed kaning 2pm & as you all know, lahat ng mga gamot sa sipon e may side effect na drowsiness kahit sabihin pa na "non-drowsy". Kaya kaning hapon ako ay sobrang antok na pero ayaw ko mag-siesta after 3pm kasi mahihirapan na ako matulog ngayong gabi. Nag-persist pa rin ang symptoms ko after 6 hrs kaya pwede ako uminom ulit ng tablet. Sabi ng ate ko na nurse din na dapat 2 tablets na daw ang ininom ko the 1st time that I took the tablet. Sabi ko ayaw ko kasi uminom ng 2 tablets at once kasi nga ung side effect na drowsiness & before kasi e 1 tablet lang okay na ako. I read the recommended dosage dun sa box ng gamot & sure enough for adults 2 dapat 2 tablets ang inumin. So I took another one kaya ngayong gabi, paghiga ko pa lang e nasa lala land na ako.

Close to 3 years ko na di nakikita boyfriend ko, si Mike. Immigrant na kasi ako bago pa kami magkakilala kaya alam na nya matagal na na ganito ang mangyayari. Iniwan ko sya nun sa ‘pinas & thru the years e madalas kami mag-text sa isa’t-isa, mag-usap sa phone, magsulatan. Nagtataka mga kakilala namin kung pano kami nagtagal. Bukod kasi sa mahal namin ang isa’t-isa, we are each others best friend. We can tell each other everything we think & feel without fear of rejection & judgement. Mula nang naging kami, I realized that it’s not enough that you love each other. It’s also important that you LIKE each other. Hindi ba minsan may mga ka-pamilya tayo na mahal natin sila pero di natin gusto ang ugali nila? That’s my point! Mahirap ang situation namin dahil sa daylight savings time(DST) at different time zones. Nasa Kuwait na kasi sya ngayon at dahil sa DST, they’re ahead by 8 hrs. Kaya kahit gusto ko man syang i-text ng "gud am" e ayaw ko naman sya magising ng 6am sa oras nila dahil ang oras ng bangon nya e 8am, Kuwaiti time. At the same time, di nya ako nababati ng "gud nyt". Isama mo pa dun ung oras ng mga trabaho namin. Minsan may pasok ako sa oras na off sya, at vice versa. Pero somehow, nakakahanap naman kami ng oras para makapag-usap. Weird nga lang kung pano nya mina-manage ung time nya kasi gaya kagabi, Saturday night nila e maglalaba daw sya ng hating gabi!!! Kasi daw maglilinis sya ng flat nila sa umaga at sa hapon naman nila tatawag ako. Ewan ko ba kung pano nya nagagawa un! Siguro kasi gusto nya once a week lang maglaba at hating gabi lang nagka-oras! Kaya bukas ng 7am namin e tatawag ako sa kanila kasi 3pm ng hapon nila un.

Yes, you read it right: I am a former shoplifter. It started back in grade school, sa Stella. It wasn’t really kleptomania kasi di naman sya obsession & it’s not like I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes guilt would hold me back.

The first things that I stole were form National Bookstore, specifically Archie comic books.I think there were still other stuffs that I stole-di ko lang matandaan kung ano. Sad to say, there were times that I was wearing my school uniform when I used to shoplift- and I must say, ang management ng Ali Mall at SM sa Cubao had every right na ipagbawal kami nun sa stores nila.

Was I ever caught be the management? Never! It would have been awful if I was! Kung Archie comic books ang plano ko nakawin, hahawakan ko sya, ung cover ng comics in plain view ng security cameras ( kung meron man sila nung time na un) pero sa ilalim ng comics e unti-unti ko nang tinatanggal ung sticker for the price. And always, I do it alone. Honestly, looking back now, I am impressed with myself to think that I could get away with it-and I always do!

The shoplifting must have lasted for about 1-2 years maybe but very far apart. In my recollection, Archie comic books nga lang ata ang ninakaw ko!

No,wait…May mas masama pa pala akong ginawa nun… Alam ko sinimulan ko na nga rin lang ang kwento ko abt my shoplifting years e bakit di ko pa sagarin? But there was something na ginawa ko nun that I can’t even bring myself to tell you. It was shameless of me then but now, I can’t forgive myself for it.

What got me started? What made me steal? I don’t know. I can’t even explain to myself what was my reason. I certainly was not lacking in money dahil humingi lang ako ng pera sa tatay ko e bibigyan naman nya ako ng pera.

Ha! Not true, really! Why am I even lying to you? trying to make my life seem wonderful & perfect? 

The truth is, nahihiya ako magpabili ng mga gusto ko nun kasi alam ko na tipid kami talaga sa pera. At least I think un ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagnanakaw. Di ko nga mapin-point kung ano e!

Sabi ko kanina I was never caught by the management but I WAS caught by a cousin of mine. Nung COD pa ung tindahan na ngayon ay Shopwise na sa Cubao, may nagustuhan akong red Minnie Mouse wallet. Akala ko walang nakatingin kaya binubulsa ko na sya nun sa skirt ko nung marinig ko ung boses ng pinsan ko, "HUY! Anong ginagawa mo??!!" And this brilliant idea ( I hoped it sounded brilliant) came to me at nasabi ko, "Tinitignan ko lang kung kasya sa bulsa."  Tinanggap naman nya ung sagot na un kasi I don’t recall her saying anything else about it.

I think that incident made me stop shoplifting. Basta bigla na lang tumigil ung urge na magnakaw-& thank God for that!

Ewan ko ba.. Every time na di ako online,trip ko mag-blog pero kapag andito na ako, wala naman akong ma-kwento..

Naisip ko lang, pwede kaya akong matawag na "struggling writer" kahit na may steady job naman ako at may kinakain araw-araw? Kasi I’m sort of struggling on my ideas on what to write for my future novel..Meron akong writer’s block.. I have no idea kung ano ang plot ng novel ko. Di ko alam kung niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko na I could be a writer. I don’t think I’m even THAT imaginative to be one. Ang tamad ko talaga! I keep on saying, " I want to be a writer!" e I have not even started on anything!  I’m thinking of being a mystery writer. Actually, di ko sure kung anong genre ang gusto ko. Sabi nila write what you know. What do I know? Ang alam ko lang e ang Pilipinas at Cubao. Or I could make up a world of my own. Madami namang fiction novels ngayon na nagiimbento ng city or town. 

Two weeks na ako sa aking work at nung una e I have this feeling na "Ha! I am contributing to civilization! I have a job! I am being productive!"

But is it enough that I feel that way? Am I supposed to feel this way sa trabaho ko? Because, honestly, I suck at my job. Secondly, I don’t like my job. Tanong nyo siguro while reading this: E bakit ako nag-nursing kung ayaw ko naman pala? Because it’s convenient. Kahit saang bansa ka mapunta e kailangan ng nurses.

But what I really want to be is an artist or to be a writer. That’s why I’m planning-just thinking-of moving to Iowa kasi andun ung school para sa mga aspiring writers. I do not mean na un lang ang school para sa writers pero sikat kasi sya kaya dun ko gusto pumunta para mag-aral ulit.

Mag-aral ulit… Kaya ko kaya un habang may work? 

Another option is mag-intern sa 1 art gallery where I can learn & make connections. To have my name circulated in art circles. To be discovered. Nakakatawa nga kasi it has been such a long time since last I picked up a paint brush or even an oil pastel! How can I even begin to be discovered? And honestly, I don’t think I’m even THAT creative to make it. I’m self-delusional-to think that I want to be an artist e wala nga akong inspiration!May sketch pad ako-sobrang kapal na binili ko almost 2 years ago pa at 1 drawing lang ang laman!

Nag-high school ako sa Stella Maris College sa Cubao,Cambridge street malapit sa Aurora Blvd. As with all girls school at sa mga dumaan sa high school, andyan ung usual na seniority (like,di mo pwedeng inisin ang mga higher years,that kind of bullshit), ung "on" system between girls, etc.Pero ang isang pinaka-weird na nangyari sa aking nung highschool includes none of these things. As a matter of fact, I could call this a mystery. I can sum it up in one sentence: I felt like some of my classmates were in on a secret about me. Para bang may ginawa akong nakakatawa pero di ko alam kung ano.

How can I tell? How about this: back in high school,we have our yearly retreats. One time, a classmate of mine said to another, "Wag kang tatabi dyan.." meaning me. She said it as if I have some sort of sickness, a jinx, or something!  Here’s another one: back in my 1st year, pinag-kaisahan ako ng 1 grupo ng barkada sa batch namin & they kept saying na nagsumbong daw ako sa class adviser namin nakikipag-on sila! ( As if THAT was any secret in our school) But I bloody hell did not do any thing of the sort! Every break time, they’d try to talk to me in a corner & say that I did this, I did that. The pressure was getting on my nerves that I finally went to see the asst. principal about it. Unexpectedly,these group of girls got suspended. The situation was not that bad to warrant a suspension,really. But from then on, we hardly spoke to one another. Aside from their usual heckling, I was fine.

Mostly,I had a feeling that they wanted to stay away from me. I can make friends, friends that I still keep in touch with until now, but somehow there were people who try to make fun of me & the joke is lost on me. In P.E. class, we were practicing the head stand so our teacher asked us to tuck in our shirts. These group of girls started to laugh at me. I kept wondering why. Everyone else looks the same as I did,though.

I used to have good friend, and sometimes when my dad would come to pick me up from school in our car, we’d drop her off. It was natural to drift apart when you’re no longer classmates but this one was different. Somehow, she started to hate me. Started to hate my guts, something like that. In our senior year, we were classmates once again & happened to work together in a project. A few days later, she started to cry to her friend,while we were working in this project in our school computer, complaining that I was not helping her! How was I supposed to know what to do? We didn’t have a personal computer back in our house at that time! She was just bawling her eyes out complaining! She sounded stupid to me anyway..

Then there are times when some of them would hold their breath, watching & waiting to make a fool out of myself when I had to do a class presentation. What was that all about? They’d even heckle me sometimes!

Looking back now, I ask myself ," Would it have made their day to bring me down?"